


things you said when i was crying

by internetakeover (nymeriahale)



Series: prompt fills [11]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 15:50:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5831530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nymeriahale/pseuds/internetakeover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's trying to revise for his university resits, but it's all a bit too much.</p><p>written for the prompt: 'things you said when I was crying'</p>
            </blockquote>





	things you said when i was crying

**Author's Note:**

  * For [popsongnation](https://archiveofourown.org/users/popsongnation/gifts).



> Warning for panic/anxiety attack type stuff and rather unhealthy self critical thinking.
> 
> originally posted on [tumblr](http://internetakeover.tumblr.com/post/138139871452/i-for-danphil-33)
> 
> (that's all my prompt backlog posted, i promise i'll stop now!)

‘Fuck,’ Dan mutters. ‘Fuck fuck fuck.’ He’s looking at his uni notes - finally, at 1am, two days before the resit he absolutely has to pass - and he _knows_ that he attended this lecture but it just doesn’t make any _sense_. He’s so tired that the words are blurring together in front of his eyes, but he told himself there was no fucking way he was allowed to sleep until he’d read over this module, and he’s got to manage one of the tasks he’d set for himself today lest he feel like even more of a failure.

‘Fuck,’ Dan swears again, softly, blinking to clear his vision. He blinks again in surprise, touches his cheek to find that yep, he’s actually crying, his eyes aren’t just stinging with tiredness. Dan tries to breathe out a steady, calming breath, finds it shaky. _This is not productive_ , he scolds himself, but it doesn’t seem to matter. His shoulders are starting to tremble, he can feel it, and maybe his eyes were watering with tiredness to begin with but he’s definitely crying now.

He tries another steady breath, feels it catch in his chest. He can’t afford this. He couldn’t have afforded this three days ago, when he _should_ have started cramming for all the exams he’d failed before, but he definitely can’t afford it now, with only 32 hours left until he’ll sit down in front of the paper and be expected to know at least 40% of what it’s talking about. Fuck, 32 hours, that’s nothing, and he should sleep twice, probably, if he wants to be able to put words together with any sort of coherence, and- he can’t do it. He doesn’t have enough time, he’s left it too late, he didn’t understand enough of the content the first time around because he’s an _idiot_ , and he’s got no one to blame but himself.

Dan doesn’t realise how loud his breathing has become, almost hyperventilating, until Phil sits down next to him and it’s clear that Dan’s distracted him from his editing. Editing Dan was forcing him to do in silence rather than play video games like he wanted, because he needed Phil in the room but couldn’t handle the distraction, and had thrown a tantrum to get his way.

‘Hey, hey,’ Phil’s repeating, calm as he can manage - Dan can still hear the worry under it and that just makes it _worse_ , that he’s stressing Phil out too - and now the tears are falling thick and fast and he’s ruining the notes he so desperately needs to read and- okay. Maybe he does need to take a break to deal with this.

Half an hour and get back to it, moron, Dan thinks firmly, before allowing himself to collapse onto Phil’s shoulder.

Phil wraps his arms around him tightly, pulls him closer easily now that Dan’s not hunched over his notes, brushes kisses over Dan’s head in the brief breaks in his reassuring monologue. Dan’s not really listening to the words, just drifting on the sound of Phil’s voice and focusing on the steady stroke of Phil’s hands over his back, trying to slow his breathing to match. He’s not really listening, but something breaks through anyway.

‘You don’t have to do this,’ Phil mumbles, drops another kiss onto Dan’s head, backs away when Dan looks up.

Dan’s breathing is steadier now, but he’s still crying a little, and Phil seems to understand that just because Dan has made eye contact doesn’t mean he’s ready to speak, doesn’t mean he’s ready for Phil to stop. 

‘I hate seeing you like this,’ Phil continues, a little clearer but still quiet. ‘You hate this, you hate is so much, I hate seeing you put yourself through this, you don’t have to do this.’

Dan can feel his chest tightening again, shakes his head. ‘I can’t,’ he manages before his throat closes up again, swallows once. ‘I have to,’ he gets out, and Phil just shakes his head. They’ve talked about it vaguely, what else Dan could do, if he could just focus on YouTube, given that he hates law, but always kept it mostly joking. It might be time to talk about it seriously, now, but it seems that’s yet another thing Dan just can’t do.

Luckily for him, Phil seems to understand this, and just kisses Dan on the forehead before pulling him in again. ‘We’ll talk about it tomorrow,’ he says, quiet but firm, as Dan snuggles in to his shoulder. Dan nods, all he can manage, closes his eyes as Phil starts his reassuring monologue up again.

‘It’s okay, you’re okay,’ Phil says, and with a mountain of weight slowly lifting off his chest, Dan hopes he’ll be able to believe him.


End file.
